Two People and Their Money

Lazy Man posted an interesting dilemma on his blog about an impending wedding of a friend in Spain and whether or not he and his wife should attend. It then sparked a long discussion among commenters about whether or not one should combine accounts with one's spouse.

B. and I have a melange of accounts. We have one joint account (which was originally my own checking account) from where we pay bills and pull money for household expenses. We also have a joint ING savings account that's pretty close to zero at the moment. B. still maintains a Bank of America account he's had since long before we married, as well as a very dormant credit union account he opened back when we still lived in Dallas, just in case we ever needed their low-interest mortgage services. We each have our own credit cards -- he has one Citibank Visa and a dormant, zero-balance Best Buy card. I have a MasterCard with a $4500 balance at 5.9%, a zero-balance Visa card that I keep open only because it's the oldest card I have and therefore will come in handy when we do need solid credit for a mortgage, and a zero-balance retail card I used once and which I really need to remember to close. (B. is an Additional Cardholder on the MasterCard, but we don't use it anymore, as we are in the process of paying down the balance to zero.)

We also plan to open yet another separate checking account for B. sometime next week. There is no Bank of America in our neck of the woods, which would make it difficult for him to access the account. He'll use it mainly to pay for his flying lessons, which he'll begin tomorrow. (He's already completed ground school.) At about $150 an hour for both instruction and plane rental, I want him to keep track of his own expenses so that I don't have to worry about it when I budget for our household.

It's a complicated system in some ways, but it works for us, and I think that's a point a lot of people miss when they judge the financial decisions of other couples. A few commenters were adamant that married couples should always combine their accounts, that doing otherwise would signify a lack of trust in one's partner, and that one must now question one's commitment to the marriage if one even so much as considers the possibility of separate accounts.

The problem, however, is that when you start making one-size-fits-all templates like that, you don't take into consideration the very real fact that each married couple is nothing else like another married couple. Finances aside, just as in individuals, the family unit operates on its own terms and has its own unique dynamics and strengths as well as weaknesses, and a very strong and trusting marriage will take each person into consideration when making decisions of any kind, whether they're about finances or work or play or parenting. Regardless of the final decision, it should be one made based on trust in the other person and in the marriage.

American culture, however, romanticizes marriage and love to such an unrealistic extent that anything that smacks of the individual is immediately seen as a threat to the family unit. If a couple chooses to sleep in separate beds for whatever reason (the husband snores loudly enough to wake the dead, the wife has a bad back and needs all the space in the bed, or they simply enjoy sleeping alone), their marriage falls immediately under suspicion. Never mind that the couple themselves is quite happy with the arrangement and wouldn't dream of changing it for the sake of some stupid tradition. No one can quite believe that a happily married couple could possibly thrive on such an unusual arrangement.

And yet, more often than not, they do.

Same goes with finances. Time and again, money advisors and personal finance counselors hammer the idea that as long as it works for the couple in question, a system of separate accounts can be just as valid a decision as that of joint accounts. B. and I attended premarital counseling and were happy to discover that most of the things she wanted us to discuss -- children, faith, housing, careers, parenting, and money -- were things we'd been talking about all along. Communication is such a huge part of our relationship, and because we made a commitment to be open and honest with each other, our financial system works for us.

As Lazy Man pointed out in the comments to his own post, the decision to combine or keep separate accounts involves a lot of personal issues, many of which probably has little to do with the other person. Family history, personal financial issues, etc., can all come into play when it comes to money, and even more so when one chooses to merge one's life with another. In any committed relationship, one person should never discount the feelings and background of the other. If your significant other feels very strongly about keeping a separate account because of the way his mother and father handled their own finances, you shouldn't judge him because of your own prejudices about the issue. You yourself have been influenced by your family, faith, education, and myriad other institutions, and it would be disrespectful to deny your S/O the right to his own opinion and level of comfort.

Marriage is both too delicate an institution to try and shove into any generic template, as well as too strong to collapse in the face of individual choices. A marriage is made of two individuals, each with his/her own baggage, and a really committed, open relationship will be able to handle the challenges of each. If you choose to combine your accounts into one and feel that that will simplify your life, so be it. If you choose to maintain separate accounts and divvy up expenses using a system based on income, it's your choice. Or if you choose a hybrid of the two that involves a joint household account to pay bills as well as individual accounts for one's own expenses, that's okay too. The key is to find the system that works for the both of you and keeps your home running smoothly. Anything else would be a recipe for financial and marital disaster.